I feel the knots landing heavy and foreboding in my stomach. I feel the lump in my throat clump together like play-doh at the dreaded prospect of me not getting what I want. Call it a result of my spoiled upbringing. I just think it's because I'm so hell bent on being the most dedicated fan there could be.

Figures that one of my first entries turns out to be a somber one.

Hanson is in the city tomorrow. Today, actually, but I want to go tomorrow and I can't. I want to go to badly, I can taste it within the depths of my throat, feel it running through my fingers. I want to wait, I want to stand, I want to sit outside and wait for them. I want to be a fucking groupie, goddamnit. And it figures - now that I'm finally allowed to go to the city without an adult trailing unwillingly behind me, I can't go because none of my friends want to or can go with me.

It always happens like this. They're a mere hour away and I can't go see them. Sixteen is perhaps the worst age. We're too young to do some things, and too old to do others. It sucks, to be quite frank. My parents are as ununderstanding as they always are. Can't count on them for anything, but what else is new.

The whole ordeal is just so disappointing. I wish I had never come online tonight, hence I wouldn't know anything about them being here in the city till tomorrow night when I come home from work. With the release of that horrid Princess Whatever soundtrack, I've been feeling quite nostalgic as of late - missing hanson, missing the whole thrill of it all, missing seeing the people I always see when I go. The squenching, ripping, excited feeling in my stomach is something I haven't felt in the longest time, and I miss the satisfying, yet jolting combination of that particular sensation.

but no one understands. even lauren said I was scaring her (haha laur). and I really don't expect anyone to really understand. They can't understand because they don't know what it *feels* like to like someone this much. There are things I see sometimes in them - faint glimmers of hope, of a certain something that I can't elicit from anyone else. This isn't making sense, but I don't care. They're special to me, and no one can really understand that. But I'm okay with that because I don't expect or want anyone to. I just want them to not question it.

See, this is the exact reason why I got this blog. So I can write stuff like i just did. if I wrote something like that in my livejournal i'd have comments left by a certain someone that I can't name for fear that it will get back to her saying that i'm "too obsessed" and that I'm "scaring her". And no Lauren, I'm not talking about you, hun. lol. Someone else.

And so I have to try to get through tomorrow without becoming too forlorn. First Ringo, now Hanson, whatever could be next?

ok, I've already gotten a problem with this thing. Good greif. Umm, apparently, it automatically sets up my email address and links it to the name whenever I finish an entry, so I won't have to do it myself anymore.

Anyway, just wanted to note that you're getting a link to this blog, feel special, because it's not going to be sent to a lot of people like my livejournal is

so this is my blog.

When I first came across that term a while back on a Hanson website by Lulu, I had no idea what in the hell she was talking about. But nonetheless, I began reading hers and became immediately inspired. There she posted thoughts, spontaneous writings, descriptions, and observations that I don't have the pleasure of posting at my livejournal due to the fact that it's pretty public amongst my friends. I fear they'll laugh at me, roll their eyes, and ask themselves why they've befriended me in the first place.

I've longed for a place of creative expression for the longest time. God only knows how much I ache to become a webgoddess like Llamaesque, Laura, or Morgan. I wanted someplace to fiddle with, to type incessantly, to type until my fingers ache, to moan and bitch with reckless abandon, to spew off big complicated adjectives to make myself feel all the more intelligent, to be me. Someone who I can be, but not completely in my livejournal, which has started to become a wasteland of words often left unupdated for long periods of time. Plus the server's slow and doesn't always work.

Henceforth the birth of this blog. Hopefully it will bring to me what livejournal didn't, what I'm too impatient to learn advanced HTML and JavaScript for, what I've desired since the first time I signed onto AOL.

- posted by Alex @ 12:44 PM  0 Comments