four more weeks and im home for the summer and a sophomore in college. holy jumpin' jesus.

i've been thinking a lot lately and i've realized that i really miss my friends from home. i miss the hangouts and going out to eat with marianna, heather, and stef. i miss going clubbing with them. i miss the coffee talks in stef's kitchen table and going to xando. i miss tina's wackiness and corrine's sense of humor. i miss brian. i miss me and brian being best friends. i miss lecturing him about certain things that he shouldn't do and certain girlfriends that he should dump. i miss steph and her ridiculously huge car. she's been going through a tough time lately but i know once it passes, she'll be back to her old self. i miss melissa and how hilarious she can be. i miss melissa's grandparents. hell, i miss melissa overall; i havent made a friend here thats like her and i miss having someone around like her. i miss george. i miss george's car. i miss beach trips with george and hanging out in his backyard. i miss jerry and his sweet quietness and honesty. no need to write anymore, the rest is self-explanatory. i just miss everyone.

i miss eric so much that sometimes i feel like my body physically can't take it. that, and the loads of schoolwork i've had, are enough to keep me busy as hell and running around like a chicken without a head.

to anyone reading this right now, if you feel like you might have been ignored by me ever since we left for college...i am so sorry. you're all in my heart and i honestly can't wait till we spend time with eachother again.

i have this fantasy. it's of an apartment in New York. traffic outside the windows and a fire escape that you're not allowed to walk on. there are sleek-lined appliances and things from Ikea. the color scheme is black and white. my Italian Singin' in the Rain poster is framed on one wall, a black and white enlarged photograph of the World Trade Center on the other. my potted bamboo---three feet tall now---in front of a window. i am performer or "entertainment-person" of some sort on Broadway. i hold infinite connections. i have a great collection of shoes and over-priced accessories. i work very long hours for very little money. i have seen every single show on Broadway, off-Broadway and elsewhere. for half price. there are New Yorkers on the coffee table. i have not driven a car in so long, it's hard to remember what the sensation feels like. heat like an oven in the summer---the kind that bounces off the pavement and boils your feet through your shoes. so many people everywhere that i am nothing and no one so I have all the room in the world to start new projects and breathe and be things i want to be.

i have this dream. it's of a two story suburban house (not too big, not too small) with a sprawling lawn in front and a garden in the back. next to the garden is a decent-sized swimming pool. the interior decor is straight out of a Pottery Barn catalog. this house is home to me and my family. My husband and I both work long hours, but somehow we make it work. we don't let our children become quasi-parentless or "day care kids" or kids with a nanny. we are close: my husband, my three kids and i. two boys and one girl that i will spoil to no end. money is never an issue. vacations happen once a year to tropical places. once our kids are old enough to truly appreciate it, we'll start traveling Europe. we go out to eat once a week. i am a pediatrician. i own my own practice, make my own hours. my husband works hard, wears suits to work (unless he's a musician on tour or something extreme like that...), and does his damndest to raise a good family. our children go to good schools, get good grades, and know the importance of a good education. my sons play soccer and baseball, my daughter plays tennis and swims. she can sing her head off and loves the stage. the whole family comes to our house for christmas, we go to others' for all other holidays. and we are happy.

soon...sooner than i think.